it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
