She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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