Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
