I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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