why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
