I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
