god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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