i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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