Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
