Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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