did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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