if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
