fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
