Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
tell me about the eggs
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
