By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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