he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You are the jesus of drinking
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
