my soul wont recognize me after tonight
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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