one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
