The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Ketchup is God's man juice
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
