please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
