Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize