You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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