So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
