I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
