dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
