so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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