i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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