I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize