I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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