so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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