Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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