I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
