i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize