I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize