I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
