I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
