I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
