The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
