stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize