This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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