so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
3pm strippers are depressing
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
