It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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