Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
