he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
