That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
