I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
