I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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