some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize