Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
