Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I met the friendliest cop last night
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
