No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
