Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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