there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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