Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
