My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
