now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
