my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
