Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
