So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
